SEX AND BETRAYAL

Bemigho and Dunni have been married for over seven years now, and their marriage is blessed with three kids. However, trouble seem to be brewing in the house right now because of Dunni’s insatiable appetite for sex. Bemigho had been complaining seriously that in spite of the fact that they have three kids it has not changed or slowed down Dunni’s appetite for sex as she seem to be in the mood almost every time and wants sex every day. He tries as much as possible to please her by having sex with her at least four to five times a week. However, the most painful part of it all is that most times after having sex, she would say she was unable to reach orgasm and then grab her vibrator to help her complete the job. He finds this use of this vibrator very irritating and often complains because it makes him feel he is not man enough to satisfy his wife. So these days she waits for him to sleep and then take it to the bathroom to help herself. 

Bemigho is in his late forties and is 10 years older than her so her sex drive is stronger than that of Bemigho, which is quite understandable considering the age difference. Also he had recently lost his job and things has been a bit tight with him as he seem to be struggling to keep his family going, so sex seem to be the last thing on his mind most times. However, everything came to a boiling point about 4 months ago when Bemigho came home unexpectedly one day and met his wife in their room masturbating with her sex toys. He was so mad with her that he had to seize all her vibrators and throw them away for good because to him she was behaving abnormally and he was beginning to get pissed with her unusual appetite for sex. 

The real problem right now is that Dunni may be pregnant for another man. Yes, another man, who happens to be her husband’s very good friend. In fact he was his best man when they wedded. According to her, she never had the intention of cheating on her husband as she has been quite faithful all these years they have been together as she really loves her husband would not want to do anything to hurt him. She has never ever nursed the intention of sleeping with another man even with her hubby’s sexual shortcomings.She had remained a faithful and loyal wife.

She said the unfortunate incident happened about 2 months ago when they were having financial challenge in paying their children’s school fees and the term was coming to an end so they needed to pay up or else their kids would be stopped from writing exams. She had told her hubby to call his friend who was doing well financially but he had refused saying he had borrowed money from him previously and has been unable to meet up with the payment and so cannot call him to ask for more money.  She then told her hubby that she was going to call him herself if he refuses to do so, because she could not stand the disgrace of seeing their kids been stopped from school because they could not afford to pay their fees, and at this, he agreed to allow her do the asking on their behalf. She then called her hubby's friend and explained their situation to him. He immediately asked her to come over to his office at Apapa to get the money. 

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On getting there, he asked her to wait so he could quickly round up what he was doing and take her to the bank to withdraw the money and then drive her home.  She said, it was on their way to the bank, he started making passes at her and told her how he had secretly admired her and was attracted to her before she got married to his friend. At first she didn’t believe what she was hearing and thought he was just joking and flattering her, not until he casually placed his hands on her lap and started rubbing her thighs. She had initially wanted to rebuke him but found out that she just couldn’t utter a word as her body seem to be responding to his touch. She knew she had to stop him, but didn’t have the willpower to do so. She had not had sex with her hubby for about 2 weeks before then because he was on a fasting program, and she had also stopped her masturbation which she used to do at least once a day, after her hubby had quarreled with her and threw away all her sex toys. She knew she had to resist this, but she was just too weak sexually, she just didn't have the strong will to resist his advances  . That was how she had fallen for the temptation of adultery with her hubby’s friend. She had regretted seriously after the deed was done and it was as if she had regained all her lost senses. She had almost wanted to forget about the money, because it now looked like she had slept with him because of their situation, but she could not because she knew they needed the money. She had left him that day with a clear warning that he should never attempt to come close to her or her family again because she would react negatively if he does as she never wants to see him again.

Now the problem right now is that she had missed her period last month and gone for a test and found out she was pregnant. She is sure the pregnancy is not her hubby’s because they had been using withdrawal method since they had the last kid which was three years ago and it has been working for them. She is at loss as to what to do, as she would not want to give her hubby a child that has been fathered by another man and she also cannot see herself going for an abortion, not after three kids she said. 

Now the question is what does she do? Well I really don’t know what to advise her. The deed has already been done, so she would just have to live with the consequences no matter how hard it is.  While I am not absolving Dunni of her sins, I still feel to a great extent that Bemigho’s attitude contributed a great deal to what has happened. This should however, serve as a lesson to some of our African men who are still conservative towards issues concerning sex with their wives. Sex is meant to be enjoyed within the context of marriage, so both partners should do whatever it is to keep their better half satisfied no matter what it takes so as not to give room for this kind of temptation. A lot of men would wish for a wife like Dunni who enjoys sex and has a huge appetite for it, as compared to some other women who will make excuses and find every way to avoid sex, most especially after three  kids. This is a case of you don't know what you have till you lose it. I do hope that Dunni finds a way to get around this problem and keep her marriage intact.

Yours suggestions on the best way she can tackle this will be highly welcomed. Do have a great weekend. Cheers

KISS AND TELL

At the usual boys corner, where we all gather after work to have some drinks and cool off after the day’s work, the topic that was been discussed  was a very intense one. The question was asked…..”Can you marry a girl that had dated your friend? There were a lot of reactions to this question that had generated a huge argument at the table.

Kelvin, a guy in his late 30s said he cannot live with the fact that his friend had once seen the nakedness of his wife, and that any time that thought comes to his mind it will make him detest that wife of his. When reminded that they may have dated a long time ago and that relationship had ended and may have been long forgotten, he retorted that it still dose not matter. He said any time his friend comes to his house he will be very much unhappy knowing that his wife and friend had once shared a bed. However, Bolaji his friend saw nothing wrong in that. As far as he was concerned, that relationship  has long been buried so he saw no reason why he should bother about what has happened in the past most especially since it happened before he knew his wife. 

The discussion today had actually started when somebody complained about how ex minister of aviation Femi Fani-Kayode had publicly boasted about how he had dated certain women, respectably married women that were popular in the society. To some, it was wrong of him to publicly come out and declare that he had intimate relationship with these women, knowing fully well that they were respectably married women, (even if they were not married), while to others they saw nothing wrong in what he did, been that he had actually dated them in the past, before they got married and was obviously trying to emphasize the fact that he had nothing against the Igbo people since he was been labeled as a tribalist. Some argued that if he was trying to claim that he was a de-tribalised Nigerian, does it mean he had no male Igbo friends he could have used to buttress his points, rather than telling the whole world that he had an intimate relationship with these women. 

In my opinion, it was wrong of him to have publicly declared that he had intimate relationship with these women whether in the past or present. These women were married and should have been respected. That was highly irresponsible of him. You don’t make such unguarded utterances in the public without weighing the consequences of what you are about to say and then turn around to make apologies. Words once spoken can never be retrieved. How can the memory of the harm done be removed from the minds of these women and how can it be erased from the memory of countless of Nigerians who had read his article. How would he feel if somebody came out to make a public statement that he had slept with his wife? This is Africa, for crying out loud. How would he not know that you don’t make such unguarded statements concerning people’s wife and expect to go Scot free. 

Yes it is true that most men did not marry their wives as virgins, however, once married, they would want to psyche themselves up, that they are the only one she has ever been with, Men naturally are jealous beings, so when reminded about her past relationships or something that is remotely linked to her past, they tend to react negatively to it. So you will understand why the public outcry about Fani-Kayode’s utterances and why what he did was totally wrong. Words, once spoken can never be retrieved, that is why one has to be careful and weigh your words before you spill them out, most especially when you are a public figure. 

Also I find it very immature for a man like Kayode to kiss and tell.  Even as a young man back then we all knew that guys that kiss and tell would always be at logger heads with the ladies. I remember this story of a guy when we were still in school who goes around telling his friends that he has slept with some of group of girls on campus then. Somehow the gist got to these girls that this guy was spreading these rumors about them.  One evening one of the girls invited the boy to her room in the hostel and unknown to him, the other girls were hiding around. As soon as he entered the room, he was surrounded by several girls, some of them carrying broken bottles, knives, wood and different objects. He was asked to strip and show them what he said he has been using to sleep with them, after which he was given a thorough beating that evening. Then he was marched through the girls hostel with girls booing and taunting him. This is to tell you how serious it can get when women find out that you are the kiss and tell type. So for someone like Kayode, he ought to have known better. Sex is sacred and that's why its done indoors. So when you are the type that blabs after having an intimate relationship with women then be ready to incur their wrath. 

So guys do drop your comments and let me know what you feel about this kisandtellgate by Kayode.

JIGIDA WAIST BEADS

Hello everybody, it has been quite sometime now. I have really been busy these past few months and I have not had time to update this blog. I want to say I am sorry. However, today’s post is going to be a little bit explicit, so readers discretion is advised. 

The tradition of wearing waist beads is an age long tradition in Africa. The waist bead is synonymous with feminism and is mostly adorned by women in Africa. To some, it serves as an exclusive symbol of their femininity, and to others, its just a piece of jewelry for the adornment of the waist. Without the waist, women have nothing to show as proof of their sexy figures and so, it is not out of place to see women wearing beads to beautify the waist. 

In Nigeria, the wearing of waist bead is wide spread across the various nationalities that make up the country. The Hausas called it Jigida, The yoruba’s call it ileke or Ladigba, The Igbos call it Mbgaji. These various ethnic groups wear it for various reasons> Some women claim that they wear beads to help them keep their figures because when the beads get tight, they know they would have to work on their weight. For some, its mainly spiritual, while for others they wear it to prevent themselves from negative energy, especially pregnant women. While for some others they believe that it possesses intimate appeal and has the power to provoke deep emotional response from the opposite sex. In Yoruba land it is believed that the beads helps to portray the chastity of a maiden or women sensuality.

However, today’s post is informed by a story I read online about a girl from Kwara state, whose grandmother placed beads on her waist and told her that the waist beads can only be broken if and only when she marries someone from her village and as such, no one could have sexual penetration with her until she gets married, and it must be to someone from her village. According to the story, she had several relationships with various guys and all had ended abruptly, most especially after having sexual intimacy with them as they all end up ejaculating before they could enter her.  She had had several encounters with different men and the story was always the same, so much so that it became a known thing in town, with most guys avoiding her while some others trying to get close to find out if its really true.

I had a good laugh after reading this. I wont say I have a problem with what the grand mother did, because to me, its just a way of ensuring that the grand daughter kept her chastity till marriage. However, the problem is with the clause that the girl must marry from her village. If she nor come see man wen she like from her village nko? Lol, or if she falls in love with a man from another state and they decides to get married what will happen? Well, this is a case of a good intention turned bad. The rumour in town now is that the a spell has been cast on the girl. 

It is cases like this that make lots of guys avoid girls with beads on their waist. They believe that most of these waist beads have some spiritual undertone on it. Some believe that some of these girls wearing waist beads belong to the occult world. There was this story I heard too about a runz girl who in her bid to make good money from politician clients went to a native doctor to prepare a charm for her. The native doctor gave her a waist bead to put on her waist and of course this bead made her rich because any man that slept with her spent a fortune on her would not want to leave her. In no time, she had houses all over Abuja and was cruising around in good cars. Eventually it was time for her to settle down and she met a guy whom she settled with. However, the problem was that she could not conceive, and she kept having nightmares of babies laughing at her with money on their mouth, and her former clients pursuing her both in her dreams and in real life, because they could not let go. She was at loss as to what to do, as it was clear that the charm had its repercussion. She did not know whether to tell her hubby about her past and seek help, or bear the pain alone.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with women wearing waist beads. I see it as an excellent way for women to feel more beautiful and feminine. To lots of men it’s a huge turn on for them. In the Fulani culture, a married woman wears about 8-9 beads on her waist, so that when she walks it makes lots of noise and people would know shes married. However, the beads can only be seen by her hubby and other females around her. The wearing of beads by women these days has added a new dimension to the fashion world in Nigeria. While some men detest it, some others encourage their partners to get them as it makes them more sensual and attractive. So it is different strokes for different folks.

Do tell, what is your opinion on waist beads? Please share your thoughts on this.

MOTHER AND CHILD

Sunday was mothering Sunday, and a whole lot of people were sending out messages to their mothers and updating their status on facebook telling everyone how they love their mom and all that. There was this particular tweet someone tweeted on twitter that made me laugh so hard.  It said, “Mothers are so fond of their children because they are very sure they are their own, unlike the fathers who are not so very sure”…..lol.  However that’s a story for another day.  Also, I saw lots of women who not only put up their mother’s pictures on facebook, but also that of the mother  in law as well. I was very impressed with this. I know lots of women these days do not get along with their mother in law . Sometimes there is this rivalry between women and their mother in law which if not properly handled may lead to serious problem within the family. I did experience this in the early years of my marriage.

I happen to be the only child of my mother (Dad had a child from another woman) and I lost dad when I just left secondary school so it was just my mum and I and we were so close. My wife and I started dating in my second year in the university and funny as it may seem, the first time I took my wife home and introduced her to my mother as my girlfriend my mum developed instant likeness for her so much so that they became so close then.  She was like the daughter she never had. They became so close that they were virtually doing everything together….. going to the market together, doing stuffs together and all that. So you can imagine how confused I was, when years later after we got married, my wife and my mom started having issues.  I immediately understood that these issues spun from the fact that my mom felt that I was no longer giving her the attention I use to give her, so she was doing everything to crave that attention. My wife on the other hand was of the opinion that my mum was been too worrisome and she should cut me some slacks, and understand that things are a bit different now.  So I had to call both women separately and explain to them that if they really want my happiness then they need to stop acting up. I was able to arrest the situation and put each woman in her right place. My mum is my mum, while my wife is my wife. They both have different roles they play in my life and the earlier they understand that, the better it would be for all of us.  Right now things have gone back the way it used to be and I’m happy about this. I laugh these days when they both gang up against me, most especially when one of them needs me to do something, they form alliance against me and I grudgingly give in. They now have this mother and child relationship once again, and we are one big happy family again.

The relationship between mothers and their son cannot be over emphasized . There is this close bond between them, most especially when the son happen to be the first child or the last child or the only son or only child. The mothers always fail to realize that her little boy would one day grow up to be a man and would go on and have his own family.

There is this story a colleague  told me about a friend of his whose closeness to his mother has prevented him from getting married. He said that every girlfriend he has had, refused to marry him because of his affinity to his mother. He always made them understand that he cannot live separately from his mother and his mother will live with them under the same roof when they eventually get married. It is not as if he cannot afford to set his mother up somewhere else as he is well loaded and have houses in different places in both Lagos and his hometown, but he is insisting that his mother would live with him. In most cases the girls get scared and refuse to go into the marriage. However, the mother has realized that she seem to be the problem of her son and that their closeness together is what is affecting him and preventing him from getting married and has since relocated abroad. Now it’s not as if the mother cannot live with him as the case may be, but it’s obvious in this case that the kind of bond that mother and son share is so tight that it would definitely put a stress on the marriage when eventually he gets married. The good thing here, however is that the mother has been able to realize this and try to create the enabling environment for her son to move forward. Not all mothers can do this. Please send me your comments and let me know what you think about the relationship between wives and mother in law.

 

 

 

 

BEDROOM WAHALA

Hello people, it’s been quite some time since I came in here. Work has been pressing so I barely have time . However, a lot has been happening around. Today’s post is going be a very long one, hope you take your time to read through it.

About two weeks ago I noticed that my friend Eke was not looking his usual self. He seem to have lost weight considerably Eke was what you would call a jolly good fellow, always fun to be with and there’s never a dull moment with him, so you can imagine my concern when he came into the bar we usually hung out and sat quietly nursing a bottle of beer and lost in his thoughts. He was not contributing to what we were discussing and seem to be in a world of his own. The Eke that I knew would always want to dominate the discussion and would not even allow others to talk, but on this particular day, things were different which made me believe something must have gone wrong. I quickly concluded that it must have been the close down of Ladipo market . Eke imports auto spare parts and sells wholesale to traders at ladipo so I felt the close down must have been affecting him.

Later that evening, he called me aside, and started complaining about his wife to me. They have been married for nine years and they have an eight year old boy. He said for some months now, his wife has been refusing him sex for no reasons, and that right now, they are no longer on speaking terms with each other at home and his home has become so unbearable for him so much so that he detests going home. I advised him to sit his wife down and talk to her and try to find out what the problem is. He told me that he has tried severally to do this, but its not working for him. He asked me to come talk to his wife. I wondered why he wanted me to talk to his wife and how I was going to start such a discussion. I however, agreed when he reminded me that his wife respects me a lot and looks up to me as an elder brother. (I was the one that introduced both of them together, the wife was my cousin’s best friend and they had both lived with me during their youth service year)

That weekend I went to their house to see them. His wife was so happy to see me. She didn’t seem like a woman who was unhappy and they appeared to have mended fences. When she went to get us drinks, I quickly asked Eke if all was well now, and to which he answered negative. He said that he was quite surprised that she was gisting with him now as if everything was fine. He asked me to still go ahead and talk to her and find out what the problem is. When I called her aside later to ask what the problem is, she told me that there was no problem and that she was surprised that Eke told me that they had issues. She called Eke and asked him in my presence if it was true that he told me that they had issues, Eke could not reply, he simply kept quiet. So I concluded that Eke was the problem but I couldn’t really pinpoint what the real issue was, so I allowed the matter to die because I didn’t know how I was going to proceed from there since I knew the crux of the matter has to do with the bedroom. I simply advised them to sort out themselves.

However, two nights ago, my phone rang late at night ,and when I looked at it, I found out that it was Eke’s wife that was calling me. I reluctantly picked up the call, only to hear the voice of their little boy saying , 'Uncle please come to our house quickly, my mummy and daddy are fighting. I tried to call back, to find out what was really happening, but the phone was not connecting anymore as it had been switched off. I called Mike, a mutual friend of ours and told him what was happening and he said we should meet at Eke’s place. I got there 30minutes later and met Mike who was already there. When I entered the house, the whole place was in disarray. I saw Eke sitting at the dining table looking so lost and frustrated. As I was about to approach him to find out what the problem was I saw his wife coming out from one of the rooms dragging a big box and their little boy crying behind her. I went up to her and tried to find out from her what the problem was. Justthen, she started crying and saying she can’t take this anymore. I allowed her to cry and she calmed down after a while and sat down. She asked her son to go his room that she will soon be with him and She asked Mike and I to sit down and then she started talking.

She said that for the past 2years Eke has been having issues with his manhood. He is barely able to get it up and that most times she would need to work on it for close to two hours before he will get partial erection and even at that, he’s barely able to sustain it leaving her frustrated and in need. She said she had advised him severally to seek help, but he keep saying he’s okay. She said it got to a point she decided there was no need getting intimate, because of what use will it be when she cannot get any satisfaction from it. However, every now and then Eke keeps pestering her for sex knowing how difficult it is for him to get erection and how most times he ends up ejaculating even before penetration. She said she decided to bear all these believing that one day things would get back to normal. She said she has been suffering in silence and has not told anyone about this not even her friends, and was quite surprised when I asked her two weeks ago if they had issues. She had decided not to say anything not wanting hurt his ego believing that he had decided to get help since he told me, but she later realized that I did not know what was really going on. Ever since then she has been pressurizing him on the need to get help but he has bluntly refused yet he wants to get intimate and when she refuses he gets angry and violent.

I looked at Eke, and wondered why he has kept this to himself all these while and has refused to get help. As far as I know there's nothing to be ashamed of here. 60 to 70 percent of men between the ages of 40-70 years experience erectile dysfunction at one point in their lives and this may be due to anxiety, depression, or psychological problems, however seeking help in the right direction often goes a long way in sorting this out. I pointed this out to Eke and told him that he should even be happy that he has a good and faithful wife. I often wonder why most men are ashamed to come to terms with erectile dysfunction. Having erectile dysfunction is not the end of the world and its something that happens in 1 out of every 10 men. The good thing is that it can be handled and treated so I see no reason why it should be hidden. Overall treatment for ED have improved significantly in recent years. These days most people are eventually able to get back to successful intercourse. So for those men out there experiencing this problem, do take a bold step and seek help. And for the wives that are affected, do not relent in your effort in helping your man.

Do send me your comments and let me know what you think about this. Cheers