RAPING OUR FUTURE

The occurrences of rape among women in today's society is becoming so alarming and gives cause for concern. This rising epidemic of sexual violence is so rampant, up to the extent that minors are not even spared, so much so that even some fathers are raping their own daughter.  Rape can be defined as forced sexual intercourse or other sexual activity usually initiated by one or more persons upon another person without their consent or against their will.  The act may be carried out through the use of physical force, coercion or abuse of authority against a person who’s incapable of valid consent either by way of been unconsciousness or below legal age of consent. I often wondered what kind of sexual satisfaction can be gained by forcing sexual intercourse. Each time I read about incidences of rape, my heart shivers at the pain these women go through. The other day I read how an 18 year old girl committed suicide a few days after she was gang raped by a gang of three men at gun point in Yenogoa. Women are often reluctant to bring up charges of rape against their perpetrators because they see public admission been raped as a dent on their social standing and may often lead to stigmatization, so they would rather prefer to keep quiet about it. It has been said that while a murderer destroys the physical body, a rapist degrades and defies the soul of its victim.

Rape is something that happens every day in Nigeria, so you can imagine the amount of children, boys or girls that are constantly been abused, and even domestic workers that are at the mercy of their masters and madam and how their lives are been destroyed. I remember what happened to a friend of mine when he newly got married to this gentle, beautiful, and soft spoken girl. some time ago. This friend of mine cried out two months into the marriage that he does not think he can continue with the marriage. When asked what the problem was, he told us that his wife is mentally unstable. He said that when he started dating his wife, they had agreed on a no sex before marriage relationship and he thought she was the righteous type that does not want to engage in premarital sex so he decided to wait till after their marriage. However, after the marriage things still remained the same, as he was still unable to make love to his wife. Every time he attempts to do this, she always turn him down, until one day his wife told him that the only way he could make love to her was if he goes violent on her. She told him that he needs to beat her to submission before he can make love to her. Initially he thought she was just joking with him, but he later realized that she was serious when she started crying and begging him to hit her hard and rape her if he wants to gain access to her body.  She told him that she has seen that he was suffering due to no fault of his, that was why she had to open up to him to let him know that he would have to force his way through. But why will he beat and rape his wife, he thought to himself. This continued for about 2 days until eventually he had to succumb to her wishes. He hit her hard on the face one day, she encouraged him to hit her harder and harder and harder and so it continued till he eventually raped her. 

It was after this incidence that she now narrated how she was constantly been raped as a child at the tender age of 11 by an uncle whom they used to call Hitler.  According to her, this uncle of hers was in the military. He was the one her parents used to call to discipline them whenever she and her brother did something wrong, so they dreaded him a lot. It happened that her parents had to travel to the village one weekend for a burial ceremony and they called Uncle Hitler to come and baby sit them that weekend . According to her that was the most horrible weekend of her life, because for the three days that her parents stayed in the village she went through hell with this uncle of hers who looked for any opportunity to lock her up in a room pretending to discipline her not knowing that he had ulterior motives. This uncle raped her and threatened her that he would kill her if she told her parents what happened. It was this incident that has affected her so much that she cannot bring herself to having sex without first playing out those violent scenes.  Now the problem my friend is having is that he cannot continue to act out those violent scenes and rape his wife anytime he wants to make love to her. He was advised to take her to see a shrink or marriage counselor to help counsel her.

You can imagine how an incident like that has affected the life of that young woman. There are quite a number of these incidences that tend to destroy such women and only a few women like Oprah Winfrey who had also experienced child molestation has risen up against all odds to become what she is today.  There have been cases of girls who were raped by friends that they had trusted. Last year there was this video which went viral of some boys from Abia state university who were raping this young girl even when she was crying and begging them to even take her life.  It was later found out that the girl was the wife of the cousin of one of the rapist. This same thing happened again recently in the university of Lagos where a young man and his friends ganged raped a girl and circulated the video on the internet. This goes to show that it’s a common occurrence that is happening everyday in our society and because it has not happened to people around us we do not seem to care. In all of these, the most painful part of it are cases of fathers raping their own daughters. Now how can any sane man rape his own daughter? A child that you are suppose to protect. There was this case of Adewale Adeleke a 35 years old bus driver, at Ota, who had being raping two of his daughter for the past two years. And also there is this very horrifying case of Sylvester Ehijele a 49 year old man who was accused of raping his seven year old daughter and one year old grand daughter. According to the story that was not even the first time he was doing it, as his 17 year old daughter had confessed to the mother that her father had raped her consistently in the past. 

All these put together, I really wonder what would really make a man commit rape. Is it that feeling of inadequacy or are there issues that borders on control, dominance authority, or capability. There are evidences to show that sexual violence is a learnt behavior in some adults, particularly as regards child sexual abuse. It may be that such people had been molested in their childhood or are themselves victims of such circumstances. However, these are not enough reasons to justify the action of these people. In my view the society needs to do more to prevent the frequent occurrence of this situation. A situation where sexual offenders are made to go free or are given light sentences is totally unacceptable. The government, the law enforcement agencies, the judiciary and even the legislature need to wake up to their responsibility of protecting the citizens against sexual offenders most especially the rising case of violation of children by adults because this is really evil. While adults can offer some resistance, children cannot, and so these adults take advantage of their vulnerability. In the western world Pedophilia is a grievous crime and pedophiles are appropriately dealt with. The same thing should be applied in Nigeria. Stiffer penalties should be given out to these rapist and pedophiles to stem the tide of this epidemic that is ravaging this country. Parents too should be mindful of who they leave their kids with. It is the responsibility of every parent to protect their child. Teaching them sexual education at a very young age is the way to go.  I believe that with enough enlightenment and campaign against this trend we would minimize if not totally eradicate the occurrence of this situation to a great extent. So Non Governmental Organizations, women rights group and everyone of us should all join hands to save our children and women from these monsters. Let us be attentive and vigilant to our children needs. God helping us we shall overcome. Cheers.

CONTROL FREAK

Hello people, I know I have gone AWOL for some time now on this blog, I won’t say I have been busy because that is not really the reason why I have not updated this blog, it’s just sheer laziness on my part. There have been times when I had wanted to put up a post and would end up abandoning it midway promising myself that I will come back to complete it but often ended up not completing it at the end of the day.  LOL. 

Now,  some time ago somebody sent me a mail asking why I chose to remain anonymous on this blog.  According to her, other bloggers who blog about personal relationships and everyday life are well known to their readers so she see no reason why I chose to remain anonymous.  Well the truth is that I decided to remain anonymous because, the stories that I write here are true life stories of people around me, friends relations, colleagues and happenings around me, although I may not use real names for obvious reasons but the stories are quite real. I tell these stories to help those who may be in similar situations and at the same time protecting those whose stories I tell. I remember the day a friend of mine told me how he came across my blog. He came to my office that day and was telling me about how he read a story that was quite similar to what was happening to one of our friends, and when I asked him where he saw the story he mentioned my blog. I had to open up to him and told him that it was my blog.   

Anyway, today we are going to be talking about the control freak. Often times I wonder how people stay in abusive relationships. Back then I had a friend whom I used to call Officer in charge. I call him this name because of his domineering attitude of always wanting to call the shots with everyone around him, whether with his friends or girlfriends he always wanted to be in control. He had this compulsive attitude of wanting to control his surrounding and people around him. Although for reasons unknown to me I found out that he respected me to a great extent and didn’t carry this attitude towards me but then our mutual friends used to complain that he likes bossing them around and of course they were not comfortable with his friendship. He was always going in and out of relationships as he could hardly keep a girl because of his overbearing attitude. While it is human nature to feel a need to control our surroundings and to some degree the people we have relationship with, however, it is that need to control that sometimes becomes the destructive factor in our relationships. Anytime I see women in abusive relationship, I always remember this friend of mine because he is a epitome of an abusive partner. I ended up being his only friend because a lot of people could not tolerate his attitude.

I have always advocated for long period of courtship before venturing into marriage. A long period of courtship tends to bring out the real person you are dating because no matter how they try to hide their real nature it will still show itself somehow. Not that been in love is a bad thing  altogether, however it does make one temporarily insane such that our starry eye affection can make us willfully close our eyes to warning signals and you find yourself even making excuses for his shortcomings (Note that an abusive partner can be male or female). There are a lot of tell tales signs that would show you that somebody is an abusive partner and one of them is the control freak. Abuse is about the need to control, a need gone crazy. Relationships and friendship are not built on who is in control but rather are built on mutual interaction based on the principle of give and take and always seeking a balance or compromise. So when we see these signs that are so glaring sometimes we should not overlook them with the hope of things go better….when we ignore these signs and go ahead with that marriage at the end of the day we start talking about getting divorced and as far as my bible tells me, God is against divorce. So the bottom line here is that we should look before we leap. 

Here are some tips that would guard you towards knowing that your partner would turn out abusive someday.

1.    It is always about him/her and never about you. They would always want you to change your plans to suit theirs and don’t care what you make out of it. He loves watching CNN or Super sports, while you love watching Africa magic…so when you are together its either you watch CNN or don’t watch TV at all. 

2.      They always have trust issues. Always wanting to know where you are anytime you are not with him/her…..or who are with, and what you have been doing. Sneaking behind your back to check your phone and maybe email and monitors your every movement.

3.      Excessively jealous and possessive. Gets angry when you talk to members of the opposite sex. Its even worst when you have them as friends. S/he would want to question you in details about your relationship that person. They disbelieve you when you say that somebody is just a friend or a colleague at work. Even greeting people on the street becomes an offense …..yes it can be that bad.

4.      Highly temperamental. Gets angry over non issues. Yells at the slightest provocation and experiences temper outburst when in disagreement with him/her. There's every likelihood that this person may develop and become a violent person in future. Or maybe S/he already is, but just trying to suppress that aspect  ……my advise is run before its too late.

5.      Often Experiences mood swing, may decide not to talk to you for some days and this may be due to work stress or something unconnected to you which now builds into anger and resentment that is taken out on you like you are the cause of his/her problem.

6.      They never take no for an answer. Always wanting it their way, like you don’t have a choice 

7.      They do not have respect for you, your friends, or family members. Yell at you and call you names in public. 

8.      Often manipulative getting you to do things that you will not ordinarily do. They isolate you from others. They have this feeling of self worth which is tied to how well they can get you to do their whims and caprice.  They may use information which you have given to them about your past to play mind games with you. Be careful with these kind of people they may be emotional abusers.

9.      Repeated offense and apologies is one of their trade mark. They may repeatedly offend you and do things that are unacceptable to you but often comes back begging for your forgiveness with promises to change and lavishing you with lots of gifts and apologies. However, the bad behavior soon comes back, that is to tell you he will never change.

10.   They often try to underplay or override your decisions, expressions or your feelings making it look like its not important, since its all about them.

So dear friends when you see these signs in your relationship, you don’t need anybody to tell you that this person may cause you substantial emotional/physical pain or injury or abuse in future that may lead to death. So let us think well and be careful before we say I do. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. Have a great weekend. Cheers.

SEX AND BETRAYAL

Bemigho and Dunni have been married for over seven years now, and their marriage is blessed with three kids. However, trouble seem to be brewing in the house right now because of Dunni’s insatiable appetite for sex. Bemigho had been complaining seriously that in spite of the fact that they have three kids it has not changed or slowed down Dunni’s appetite for sex as she seem to be in the mood almost every time and wants sex every day. He tries as much as possible to please her by having sex with her at least four to five times a week. However, the most painful part of it all is that most times after having sex, she would say she was unable to reach orgasm and then grab her vibrator to help her complete the job. He finds this use of this vibrator very irritating and often complains because it makes him feel he is not man enough to satisfy his wife. So these days she waits for him to sleep and then take it to the bathroom to help herself. 

Bemigho is in his late forties and is 10 years older than her so her sex drive is stronger than that of Bemigho, which is quite understandable considering the age difference. Also he had recently lost his job and things has been a bit tight with him as he seem to be struggling to keep his family going, so sex seem to be the last thing on his mind most times. However, everything came to a boiling point about 4 months ago when Bemigho came home unexpectedly one day and met his wife in their room masturbating with her sex toys. He was so mad with her that he had to seize all her vibrators and throw them away for good because to him she was behaving abnormally and he was beginning to get pissed with her unusual appetite for sex. 

The real problem right now is that Dunni may be pregnant for another man. Yes, another man, who happens to be her husband’s very good friend. In fact he was his best man when they wedded. According to her, she never had the intention of cheating on her husband as she has been quite faithful all these years they have been together as she really loves her husband would not want to do anything to hurt him. She has never ever nursed the intention of sleeping with another man even with her hubby’s sexual shortcomings.She had remained a faithful and loyal wife.

She said the unfortunate incident happened about 2 months ago when they were having financial challenge in paying their children’s school fees and the term was coming to an end so they needed to pay up or else their kids would be stopped from writing exams. She had told her hubby to call his friend who was doing well financially but he had refused saying he had borrowed money from him previously and has been unable to meet up with the payment and so cannot call him to ask for more money.  She then told her hubby that she was going to call him herself if he refuses to do so, because she could not stand the disgrace of seeing their kids been stopped from school because they could not afford to pay their fees, and at this, he agreed to allow her do the asking on their behalf. She then called her hubby's friend and explained their situation to him. He immediately asked her to come over to his office at Apapa to get the money. 

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On getting there, he asked her to wait so he could quickly round up what he was doing and take her to the bank to withdraw the money and then drive her home.  She said, it was on their way to the bank, he started making passes at her and told her how he had secretly admired her and was attracted to her before she got married to his friend. At first she didn’t believe what she was hearing and thought he was just joking and flattering her, not until he casually placed his hands on her lap and started rubbing her thighs. She had initially wanted to rebuke him but found out that she just couldn’t utter a word as her body seem to be responding to his touch. She knew she had to stop him, but didn’t have the willpower to do so. She had not had sex with her hubby for about 2 weeks before then because he was on a fasting program, and she had also stopped her masturbation which she used to do at least once a day, after her hubby had quarreled with her and threw away all her sex toys. She knew she had to resist this, but she was just too weak sexually, she just didn't have the strong will to resist his advances  . That was how she had fallen for the temptation of adultery with her hubby’s friend. She had regretted seriously after the deed was done and it was as if she had regained all her lost senses. She had almost wanted to forget about the money, because it now looked like she had slept with him because of their situation, but she could not because she knew they needed the money. She had left him that day with a clear warning that he should never attempt to come close to her or her family again because she would react negatively if he does as she never wants to see him again.

Now the problem right now is that she had missed her period last month and gone for a test and found out she was pregnant. She is sure the pregnancy is not her hubby’s because they had been using withdrawal method since they had the last kid which was three years ago and it has been working for them. She is at loss as to what to do, as she would not want to give her hubby a child that has been fathered by another man and she also cannot see herself going for an abortion, not after three kids she said. 

Now the question is what does she do? Well I really don’t know what to advise her. The deed has already been done, so she would just have to live with the consequences no matter how hard it is.  While I am not absolving Dunni of her sins, I still feel to a great extent that Bemigho’s attitude contributed a great deal to what has happened. This should however, serve as a lesson to some of our African men who are still conservative towards issues concerning sex with their wives. Sex is meant to be enjoyed within the context of marriage, so both partners should do whatever it is to keep their better half satisfied no matter what it takes so as not to give room for this kind of temptation. A lot of men would wish for a wife like Dunni who enjoys sex and has a huge appetite for it, as compared to some other women who will make excuses and find every way to avoid sex, most especially after three  kids. This is a case of you don't know what you have till you lose it. I do hope that Dunni finds a way to get around this problem and keep her marriage intact.

Yours suggestions on the best way she can tackle this will be highly welcomed. Do have a great weekend. Cheers