INDECENT PROPOSAL

What will you do if a Billionaire offers you 1 million dollars ($1m ) to sleep with your wife for just one night. That was the question asked last week by Buki and Sholz of Classic FM on their lunch time program.  According to them, there was this movie about a couple who were dead broke, so much so, that they couldn’t even afford to buy themselves a meal on the anniversary of their wedding. They were at this restaurant where they had intended to have dinner to celebrate their anniversary, but, on going through the menu, they found out that they could barely afford anything on the menu.

However, seated in a quiet corner in the restaurant was this billionaire who was obviously attracted to the wife and has noticed their predicament. He asked them over to his table and told them they could have anything they wanted on his bill. They got talking and during the course of their conversation the billionaire asked the husband, what will he say if he offered him $1 million to have his wife for just one night.

Initially the couple had laughed over it and looked at it like a bad joke but on getting home they realized that the billionaire was dead serious and the reality of their situation hit them. The fact that they could not even afford to pay their rent and many other things made them sit down and have a heart to heart talk on what they should do.

Well your guess is as good as mine on what happened afterwards. However, I threw this question open the other day at our usual hang out spot and Ola a 45 year old stock broker said he will take the money. We were all surprised when he said this, but then everybody is entitled to his opinion. I asked him, if he was sure of what he was saying, and how is he going to continue living with his wife knowing that he had shared her with another man for money? It was then he told me that he will split the money halfway with his wife and then ask for a divorce, because he definitely won’t be able to sleep with her again after the act. Ehime a 42 year old businessman on his part, said he cannot do such a thing, as it is against their tradition in Esan land where he comes from. He told us that while that kind of act maybe acceptable in the western world it would be a big taboo over here in Africa, and in Nigeria in particular. He said in Esan land, once a couple is married traditionally it will be a big taboo for the wife to sleep with another man, and if she does this, it will have dire consequences on both the woman and her children, as she may end up losing her children one after the other and eventually she will lose her life if she refuses to confess. However, if the husband is privy to this and is still married to the woman, he will be the one to lose his life. So he said he will not want to lose his life and so cannot accept that kind of offer even if he is offered a $1 Billion dollars. 

Although I did not get to hear the responses from listeners on the radio program to know how they responded but I know that majority of Nigerian men will not accept such an offer. Just like Ehime said, our culture and tradition forbids such a thing. In Urhobo land where I come from, our tradition is just like that of the Esan people. Once a couple is married traditionally the woman cannot afford to sleep with any other man because it will definitely work against her and her hubby if the man is aware. Ola was however of a different opinion about this. He said that there are a lot of married women who sleep around these days and nothing is happening to them or their family. 

It may be true that some married women do get away with infidelity but this can only happen under the following circumstances

(i)                If the couple were not married traditionally. ( There are some couples who just did Court Registry)

(ii)              If they were merely cohabiting and have not done their traditional rites.

(iii)            There are some part of Nigeria where this kind of taboo is not applicable

(iv)            Some women go to the extent of looking for the antidote to forestall any eventuality that may arise as a result of their Misdemeanor  

So you can see why it will be difficult for a lot of Nigerian men to accept such an offer. Even without the shenanigan of our culture and tradition. It will be quite difficult for any man to accept money and agree to share his wife. This is Africa and in Africa such things are not acceptable. Although I know that with the harsh reality of the Economy some men like Ola might want to accept it considering the amount of money involved. The question however is, will they be able to live with themselves after doing this. LOL

Send me your comments and tell me what you think. I will love to know

TRAVAILS OF LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

How does one cope with a long distance relationship with the loneliness and boredom that comes with it? Been in a long distance relationship involves couples not only having trust, but also a strong communication that will provide a strong base for love. It involves having a strong commitment to succeed and requires a lot of discipline.

On a personal note, I really do not like the idea of a long distance relationship, because for some people been out of sight, is out of mind, and because partners can’t keep an eye on each other some might be prune to wandering. However, this situation may have been necessitated by work or quest for daily bread and so it becomes imperative that the couples would need to live apart. For some it might be quite easy but for others it takes a lot of discipline, strength and determination to stay faithful to their partners. 

There was this case of Azuka and Vickie who have been married for the past 9years and are blessed with 2 kids, a girl and a boy both 7 and 4 years old respectively. Azuka had to leave his family in Lagos and move to Port Harcourt to join his friend who was into construction contracts. He comes home once every month and when he is away he calls his wife regularly. However, he called his wife one day and her phone was switched off. When he tried to get in touch with their house maid her phone too was switched off.  The next day, on inquiring from the wife on why their phones were switched off, her response was that there was no light and so they could not charge their phones.

 This went on for some time until one day he decided to call their neighbor to pass his phone on to his wife so he could speak to her, to his utmost surprise he discovered that the wife was not at home as late as 11 pm that night.  On confronting her the next day, her explanation was that she had went to night vigil since it was the last Friday of the month. 

It now becoming clear to Azuka that his wife was up to something, but he could not confront her outright since he had no proof or evidence to back up such accusations. The wife on her part is taking every step to make sure her tracks are well covered. She has had disagreement with all her neighbors and quarreled with them over flimsy excuses just to make sure that they mind their business and not spill information to her husband on what she is doing.

For a lot of people it might be difficult to understand why Vickie is been unfaithful to her hubby. Is it that she cannot keep herself for the period her hubby is away, or is she doing it out of loneliness or she just Promiscuous.  I believe that marriage is sanctimonious and it is not all about sex. The sanctity of marriage is sacred most especially in the Nigeria context and as it affects the Nigerian woman. Our culture forbids such acts of infidelity especially by women. No matter how long the hubby stays away the woman is expected to remain faithful although we understand that it might not be an easy task for some women.

There is this case of Tonia and Ejiro who has been married for 10 years. However, two years into their marriage things became tough for them that Ejiro had to travel out of the country to seek greener pastures abroad.  Their initial plan was for Ejiro to settle down and then send for Tonia and their 2 year old daughter to join him. Things did not however work out the way they planned it and Ejiro has not been able to even secure his papers not to talk of sending for his family. Now he has been away for 8 years. His wife is frustrated, lonely, and unhappy.  In a situation like this will you really blame the woman if she goes out to get it? 

Like I said earlier couples living apart is really a difficult thing and requires quite a lot of commitment and discipline. The primary essence of marriage is for companionship and when that companionship is not there it leaves so much to be desired. 

However, when the exigencies of the moment and the quest for daily bread sets in, there is a need for couples to sit down and have a proper talk on how to cope with the realities of living apart. They should outline the difficulties they are likely to face in such situations and map out ways to overcome such difficulties. Communication is key to success in a long distance relationship, most especially with this digital age of internet, Skype and all others. Also there is a need to cut down the amount of time spent apart, if they can put all these things together and stay committed to each other, I believe they can be able to overcome the travails of long distance relationship.

RAPING OUR FUTURE

The occurrences of rape among women in today's society is becoming so alarming and gives cause for concern. This rising epidemic of sexual violence is so rampant, up to the extent that minors are not even spared, so much so that even some fathers are raping their own daughter.  Rape can be defined as forced sexual intercourse or other sexual activity usually initiated by one or more persons upon another person without their consent or against their will.  The act may be carried out through the use of physical force, coercion or abuse of authority against a person who’s incapable of valid consent either by way of been unconsciousness or below legal age of consent. I often wondered what kind of sexual satisfaction can be gained by forcing sexual intercourse. Each time I read about incidences of rape, my heart shivers at the pain these women go through. The other day I read how an 18 year old girl committed suicide a few days after she was gang raped by a gang of three men at gun point in Yenogoa. Women are often reluctant to bring up charges of rape against their perpetrators because they see public admission been raped as a dent on their social standing and may often lead to stigmatization, so they would rather prefer to keep quiet about it. It has been said that while a murderer destroys the physical body, a rapist degrades and defies the soul of its victim.

Rape is something that happens every day in Nigeria, so you can imagine the amount of children, boys or girls that are constantly been abused, and even domestic workers that are at the mercy of their masters and madam and how their lives are been destroyed. I remember what happened to a friend of mine when he newly got married to this gentle, beautiful, and soft spoken girl. some time ago. This friend of mine cried out two months into the marriage that he does not think he can continue with the marriage. When asked what the problem was, he told us that his wife is mentally unstable. He said that when he started dating his wife, they had agreed on a no sex before marriage relationship and he thought she was the righteous type that does not want to engage in premarital sex so he decided to wait till after their marriage. However, after the marriage things still remained the same, as he was still unable to make love to his wife. Every time he attempts to do this, she always turn him down, until one day his wife told him that the only way he could make love to her was if he goes violent on her. She told him that he needs to beat her to submission before he can make love to her. Initially he thought she was just joking with him, but he later realized that she was serious when she started crying and begging him to hit her hard and rape her if he wants to gain access to her body.  She told him that she has seen that he was suffering due to no fault of his, that was why she had to open up to him to let him know that he would have to force his way through. But why will he beat and rape his wife, he thought to himself. This continued for about 2 days until eventually he had to succumb to her wishes. He hit her hard on the face one day, she encouraged him to hit her harder and harder and harder and so it continued till he eventually raped her. 

It was after this incidence that she now narrated how she was constantly been raped as a child at the tender age of 11 by an uncle whom they used to call Hitler.  According to her, this uncle of hers was in the military. He was the one her parents used to call to discipline them whenever she and her brother did something wrong, so they dreaded him a lot. It happened that her parents had to travel to the village one weekend for a burial ceremony and they called Uncle Hitler to come and baby sit them that weekend . According to her that was the most horrible weekend of her life, because for the three days that her parents stayed in the village she went through hell with this uncle of hers who looked for any opportunity to lock her up in a room pretending to discipline her not knowing that he had ulterior motives. This uncle raped her and threatened her that he would kill her if she told her parents what happened. It was this incident that has affected her so much that she cannot bring herself to having sex without first playing out those violent scenes.  Now the problem my friend is having is that he cannot continue to act out those violent scenes and rape his wife anytime he wants to make love to her. He was advised to take her to see a shrink or marriage counselor to help counsel her.

You can imagine how an incident like that has affected the life of that young woman. There are quite a number of these incidences that tend to destroy such women and only a few women like Oprah Winfrey who had also experienced child molestation has risen up against all odds to become what she is today.  There have been cases of girls who were raped by friends that they had trusted. Last year there was this video which went viral of some boys from Abia state university who were raping this young girl even when she was crying and begging them to even take her life.  It was later found out that the girl was the wife of the cousin of one of the rapist. This same thing happened again recently in the university of Lagos where a young man and his friends ganged raped a girl and circulated the video on the internet. This goes to show that it’s a common occurrence that is happening everyday in our society and because it has not happened to people around us we do not seem to care. In all of these, the most painful part of it are cases of fathers raping their own daughters. Now how can any sane man rape his own daughter? A child that you are suppose to protect. There was this case of Adewale Adeleke a 35 years old bus driver, at Ota, who had being raping two of his daughter for the past two years. And also there is this very horrifying case of Sylvester Ehijele a 49 year old man who was accused of raping his seven year old daughter and one year old grand daughter. According to the story that was not even the first time he was doing it, as his 17 year old daughter had confessed to the mother that her father had raped her consistently in the past. 

All these put together, I really wonder what would really make a man commit rape. Is it that feeling of inadequacy or are there issues that borders on control, dominance authority, or capability. There are evidences to show that sexual violence is a learnt behavior in some adults, particularly as regards child sexual abuse. It may be that such people had been molested in their childhood or are themselves victims of such circumstances. However, these are not enough reasons to justify the action of these people. In my view the society needs to do more to prevent the frequent occurrence of this situation. A situation where sexual offenders are made to go free or are given light sentences is totally unacceptable. The government, the law enforcement agencies, the judiciary and even the legislature need to wake up to their responsibility of protecting the citizens against sexual offenders most especially the rising case of violation of children by adults because this is really evil. While adults can offer some resistance, children cannot, and so these adults take advantage of their vulnerability. In the western world Pedophilia is a grievous crime and pedophiles are appropriately dealt with. The same thing should be applied in Nigeria. Stiffer penalties should be given out to these rapist and pedophiles to stem the tide of this epidemic that is ravaging this country. Parents too should be mindful of who they leave their kids with. It is the responsibility of every parent to protect their child. Teaching them sexual education at a very young age is the way to go.  I believe that with enough enlightenment and campaign against this trend we would minimize if not totally eradicate the occurrence of this situation to a great extent. So Non Governmental Organizations, women rights group and everyone of us should all join hands to save our children and women from these monsters. Let us be attentive and vigilant to our children needs. God helping us we shall overcome. Cheers.

CONTROL FREAK

Hello people, I know I have gone AWOL for some time now on this blog, I won’t say I have been busy because that is not really the reason why I have not updated this blog, it’s just sheer laziness on my part. There have been times when I had wanted to put up a post and would end up abandoning it midway promising myself that I will come back to complete it but often ended up not completing it at the end of the day.  LOL. 

Now,  some time ago somebody sent me a mail asking why I chose to remain anonymous on this blog.  According to her, other bloggers who blog about personal relationships and everyday life are well known to their readers so she see no reason why I chose to remain anonymous.  Well the truth is that I decided to remain anonymous because, the stories that I write here are true life stories of people around me, friends relations, colleagues and happenings around me, although I may not use real names for obvious reasons but the stories are quite real. I tell these stories to help those who may be in similar situations and at the same time protecting those whose stories I tell. I remember the day a friend of mine told me how he came across my blog. He came to my office that day and was telling me about how he read a story that was quite similar to what was happening to one of our friends, and when I asked him where he saw the story he mentioned my blog. I had to open up to him and told him that it was my blog.   

Anyway, today we are going to be talking about the control freak. Often times I wonder how people stay in abusive relationships. Back then I had a friend whom I used to call Officer in charge. I call him this name because of his domineering attitude of always wanting to call the shots with everyone around him, whether with his friends or girlfriends he always wanted to be in control. He had this compulsive attitude of wanting to control his surrounding and people around him. Although for reasons unknown to me I found out that he respected me to a great extent and didn’t carry this attitude towards me but then our mutual friends used to complain that he likes bossing them around and of course they were not comfortable with his friendship. He was always going in and out of relationships as he could hardly keep a girl because of his overbearing attitude. While it is human nature to feel a need to control our surroundings and to some degree the people we have relationship with, however, it is that need to control that sometimes becomes the destructive factor in our relationships. Anytime I see women in abusive relationship, I always remember this friend of mine because he is a epitome of an abusive partner. I ended up being his only friend because a lot of people could not tolerate his attitude.

I have always advocated for long period of courtship before venturing into marriage. A long period of courtship tends to bring out the real person you are dating because no matter how they try to hide their real nature it will still show itself somehow. Not that been in love is a bad thing  altogether, however it does make one temporarily insane such that our starry eye affection can make us willfully close our eyes to warning signals and you find yourself even making excuses for his shortcomings (Note that an abusive partner can be male or female). There are a lot of tell tales signs that would show you that somebody is an abusive partner and one of them is the control freak. Abuse is about the need to control, a need gone crazy. Relationships and friendship are not built on who is in control but rather are built on mutual interaction based on the principle of give and take and always seeking a balance or compromise. So when we see these signs that are so glaring sometimes we should not overlook them with the hope of things go better….when we ignore these signs and go ahead with that marriage at the end of the day we start talking about getting divorced and as far as my bible tells me, God is against divorce. So the bottom line here is that we should look before we leap. 

Here are some tips that would guard you towards knowing that your partner would turn out abusive someday.

1.    It is always about him/her and never about you. They would always want you to change your plans to suit theirs and don’t care what you make out of it. He loves watching CNN or Super sports, while you love watching Africa magic…so when you are together its either you watch CNN or don’t watch TV at all. 

2.      They always have trust issues. Always wanting to know where you are anytime you are not with him/her…..or who are with, and what you have been doing. Sneaking behind your back to check your phone and maybe email and monitors your every movement.

3.      Excessively jealous and possessive. Gets angry when you talk to members of the opposite sex. Its even worst when you have them as friends. S/he would want to question you in details about your relationship that person. They disbelieve you when you say that somebody is just a friend or a colleague at work. Even greeting people on the street becomes an offense …..yes it can be that bad.

4.      Highly temperamental. Gets angry over non issues. Yells at the slightest provocation and experiences temper outburst when in disagreement with him/her. There's every likelihood that this person may develop and become a violent person in future. Or maybe S/he already is, but just trying to suppress that aspect  ……my advise is run before its too late.

5.      Often Experiences mood swing, may decide not to talk to you for some days and this may be due to work stress or something unconnected to you which now builds into anger and resentment that is taken out on you like you are the cause of his/her problem.

6.      They never take no for an answer. Always wanting it their way, like you don’t have a choice 

7.      They do not have respect for you, your friends, or family members. Yell at you and call you names in public. 

8.      Often manipulative getting you to do things that you will not ordinarily do. They isolate you from others. They have this feeling of self worth which is tied to how well they can get you to do their whims and caprice.  They may use information which you have given to them about your past to play mind games with you. Be careful with these kind of people they may be emotional abusers.

9.      Repeated offense and apologies is one of their trade mark. They may repeatedly offend you and do things that are unacceptable to you but often comes back begging for your forgiveness with promises to change and lavishing you with lots of gifts and apologies. However, the bad behavior soon comes back, that is to tell you he will never change.

10.   They often try to underplay or override your decisions, expressions or your feelings making it look like its not important, since its all about them.

So dear friends when you see these signs in your relationship, you don’t need anybody to tell you that this person may cause you substantial emotional/physical pain or injury or abuse in future that may lead to death. So let us think well and be careful before we say I do. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. Have a great weekend. Cheers.