Hello people, I know I have gone AWOL for some time now on
this blog, I won’t say I have been busy because that is not really the reason
why I have not updated this blog, it’s just sheer laziness on my part. There
have been times when I had wanted to put up a post and would end up abandoning
it midway promising myself that I will come back to complete it but often ended
up not completing it at the end of the day.
LOL.
Now, some time ago
somebody sent me a mail asking why I chose to remain anonymous on this blog. According to her, other bloggers who blog about personal relationships and everyday life are
well known to their readers so she see no reason why I chose to remain
anonymous. Well the truth is that I
decided to remain anonymous because, the stories that I write here are true
life stories of people around me, friends relations, colleagues and happenings
around me, although I may not use real names for obvious reasons but the
stories are quite real. I tell these stories to help those who may be in similar
situations and at the same time protecting those whose stories I tell. I
remember the day a friend of mine told me how he came across my blog. He came
to my office that day and was telling me about how he read a story that was
quite similar to what was happening to one of our friends, and when I asked him
where he saw the story he mentioned my blog. I had to open up to him and told
him that it was my blog.
Anyway, today we are going to be talking about the control freak. Often
times I wonder how people stay in abusive relationships. Back then I had a
friend whom I used to call Officer in charge. I call him this name because of
his domineering attitude of always wanting to call the shots with everyone around him, whether with his friends or girlfriends he
always wanted to be in control. He had this compulsive attitude of wanting to
control his surrounding and people around him. Although for reasons unknown to
me I found out that he respected me to a great extent and didn’t carry this
attitude towards me but then our mutual friends used to complain that he likes
bossing them around and of course they were not comfortable with his
friendship. He was always going in and out of relationships as he could hardly
keep a girl because of his overbearing attitude. While it is human nature to
feel a need to control our surroundings and to some degree the people we have
relationship with, however, it is that need to control that sometimes becomes
the destructive factor in our relationships. Anytime I see women in abusive relationship,
I always remember this friend of mine because he is a epitome of an abusive
partner. I ended up being his only friend because a lot of people could not
tolerate his attitude.
I have always advocated for long period of courtship before
venturing into marriage. A long period of courtship tends to bring out the real
person you are dating because no matter how they try to hide their real nature it
will still show itself somehow. Not that been in love is a bad thing altogether, however it does make one temporarily
insane such that our starry eye affection can make us willfully close our eyes
to warning signals and you find yourself even making excuses for his
shortcomings (Note that an abusive partner can be male or female). There are a
lot of tell tales signs that would show you that somebody is an abusive partner
and one of them is the control freak. Abuse is about the need to control, a
need gone crazy. Relationships and friendship are not built on who is in
control but rather are built on mutual interaction based on the principle of
give and take and always seeking a balance or compromise. So when we see these
signs that are so glaring sometimes we should not overlook them with the hope
of things go better….when we ignore these signs and go ahead with that marriage at the end of the day we start talking about getting divorced and as far as my
bible tells me, God is against divorce. So the bottom line here is that we
should look before we leap.
Here are some tips that would guard you towards
knowing that your partner would turn out abusive someday.
1.
It is always about him/her and never about you.
They would always want you to change your plans to suit theirs and don’t care
what you make out of it. He loves watching CNN or Super sports, while you love
watching Africa magic…so when you are together its either you watch CNN or don’t
watch TV at all.
2.
They always have trust issues. Always wanting to
know where you are anytime you are not with him/her…..or who are with, and what
you have been doing. Sneaking behind your back to check your phone and maybe email
and monitors your every movement.
3.
Excessively jealous and possessive. Gets angry
when you talk to members of the opposite sex. Its even worst when you have them
as friends. S/he would want to question you in details about your relationship
that person. They disbelieve you when you say that somebody is just a friend or
a colleague at work. Even greeting people on the street becomes an offense
…..yes it can be that bad.
4.
Highly temperamental. Gets angry over non issues.
Yells at the slightest provocation and experiences temper outburst when in
disagreement with him/her. There's every likelihood that this person may develop
and become a violent person in future. Or maybe S/he already is, but just
trying to suppress that aspect ……my
advise is run before its too late.
5.
Often Experiences mood swing, may decide not to
talk to you for some days and this may be due to work stress or something
unconnected to you which now builds into anger and resentment that is taken out
on you like you are the cause of his/her problem.
6.
They never take no for an answer. Always wanting
it their way, like you don’t have a choice
7.
They do not have respect for you, your friends,
or family members. Yell at you and call you names in public.
8.
Often manipulative getting you to do things that
you will not ordinarily do. They isolate you from others. They have this
feeling of self worth which is tied to how well they can get you to do their
whims and caprice. They may use
information which you have given to them about your past to play mind games with
you. Be careful with these kind of people they may be emotional abusers.
9.
Repeated offense and apologies is one of their
trade mark. They may repeatedly offend you and do things that are unacceptable
to you but often comes back begging for your forgiveness with promises to
change and lavishing you with lots of gifts and apologies. However, the bad
behavior soon comes back, that is to tell you he will never change.
10.
They often try to underplay or override your
decisions, expressions or your feelings making it look like its not important,
since its all about them.
So dear friends when you see these signs in
your relationship, you don’t need anybody to tell you that this person may
cause you substantial emotional/physical pain or injury or abuse in future that
may lead to death. So let us think well and be careful before we say I do. To
be forewarned is to be forearmed. Have a great weekend. Cheers.
